08 April 2014

DIY juice cleanse diary, day 1

7:15a I wake up not feeling my best, which is unfortunate considering I might need an extra dose of exuberant energy today. It is also raining. I am trying very hard not to consider this a harbinger of doom.

7:30a Time for coffee. YES, COFFEE. I can only put myself through so much, and self-induced migraines are not part of it. I add just a bit of milk to my coffee, which is totally a change from my usual cup of coffee, which usually has milk and fat-free hazelnut creamer constituting half the cup.

8:00a The smell of overripe bananas in our kitchen is starting to make me a bit hungry. It’s finally late enough in the morning that I feel like I can run the blender without terribly annoying our landlady below. Time to juice!

I’m unsure if my blender will do the drink or if I should use my food processor. I go with the blender just because it’s big enough to hold one juice’s worth of stuff.

But you know, I really don’t use my blender very often. Perhaps that’s why I had no idea my blender only makes a loud grinding sound while refusing to blend.


I don’t have time or patience for this. I bust out the food processor. It’s tiny, so I’ll have to do this in batches.

8:10a This requires a second cup of coffee. I am suddenly understanding why people buy juice instead of trying to make it first thing in the morning, particularly when they discover they don’t own a functional blender during the first hour of a juice cleanse.

8:12a I realize, as I’m practically scooping this “juice” into my cup, that my fear of missing crunch and chewing is totally unfounded. This thing is so full of bits of apple peel, spinach, and kiwi seeds that I don’t need to worry about that at all. I also am going to need a straw.

8:15a First sip: you know, it’s pretty good! If there’s one taste that overpowers the rest, it’s probably the apple, but the banana and kiwi are represented as well. I don’t even notice the spinach because the apple peels are providing so much texture.

Hey. This is actually kind of fun!

8:20a I make the next of my juices and pour it in a hopefully-inconspicuous travel coffee mug. Honestly, the last thing I want to do is tell my coworkers I’m on a juice cleanse.

8:45a Dude. Making these juices takes a LONG TIME. And I haven’t even finished drinking my first juice of the day. I stick it in the freezer to keep it chilled. Warm juice is gross.

8:50a Ok, LAST JUICE, the pineapple one. I soon realize that half of the mixture takes up an entire travel mug. Hmmm. It seems I’ll have two pineapple juices today. Fortunately I have an abundance of travel mugs!

9:00a Ok, DONE. I stick all my juices in the fridge while I rinse all my juice-making tools. I even rinse and save the Ziploc gallon-size bags, because my depression-era grandma taught me well.

9:05a I went into this assuming I’d have to sip my juices slowly throughout the day, but I’m nearly an hour behind drinking this kiwi juice and I’m not dressed to leave for work! Time to chug, or at least as much as one can through a straw with a drink that requires chewing. Finally I give up and use a spoon. For some reason this grosses me out.

9:10a I realize I never actually finished that second cup of coffee. The fact that I actually can chug this without choking on bits of spinach and apple peel is extremely satisfying.

10:00a Finally at work. I realize I’m supposed to drink my second juice now, a pineapple-apple-cucumber drink. I start answering emails instead.

10:15a I remember again that I need to drink that juice. Not being able to drink at my desk is hard!

10:30a I start talking with my boss.

11:00a OMG I STILL HAVEN’T STARTED THAT JUICE. I get up and drink a quarter of it. Fortunately, the pineapple juice is totally amenable to straw-drinking.

11:05a Ooh. I like this pineapple drink a lot more than I expected! I’ll enjoy drinking this one.

11:55a Annnnd I’ve forgotten to drink it. This constantly drinking juice thing is impossible! I have to go to a meeting where I’m due to drink another juice, so I grab it from the fridge. On the way to the meeting I decide to finish off the pineapple juice, for completion’s sake.


11:57a *gag*

11:58a Ok, good enough. I run off to my meeting, strawberry-spinach juice in hand.

12:30p I’m actually enjoying sipping this juice throughout the meeting. This is the ideal sitch for juice-drinking! I am, however, starting to wish I had brought a diet coke today. I hadn’t planned to eliminate it – I just forgot it – and I’m starting to miss that part of my routine.

2:20p Meeting over, back to work. I hit a downtime and decide to start pineapple juice #2, just as my stomach gives me its first twinge of, “Hey... you gonna feed me today?”

2:25p I am pleased to discover I don’t have PTSD from the warm pineapple juice debacle earlier. I’m also pleased that I don’t have cucumber burps. Is this just me? Does anyone else have a problem with eating cucumber, even miniscule amounts of cucumber, and their burps tasting like cucumber for the rest of the day? Oh, ok... well, nevermind then.

4:10p My coworkers have gathered in the breakroom for cake. I am in the lab, working, instead of eating cake. It’s not that I’d feel tempted to eat it – my resolve is strong, despite my slightly light-headedness and barely-there hunger! No, I just really don’t want to explain why I’ve been sipping out of a variety of coffee mugs through a straw today.

4:12p That cake does look really good, though.

4:13p Thanks to this journal I’m keeping, I know that my second pineapple juice has been out of the fridge for two hours. In other words, MORE WARM PINEAPPLE JUICE. Great.

4:14p I’m kinda hungry though. I’d drink it. Except it’s in the room with my coworkers and their cake and I have somehow decided that this is a SECRET juice cleanse. NO ONE MUST KNOW WHY I DECLINE CAKE AND INSTEAD CLING TO MY TRAVEL MUGS.

5:00p I finally have free moment. I spend it drinking warm pineapple juice and reconsidering my life choices.

5:30p I have another free moment, and I start on my blueberry juice. I’m really glad that I switched back and forth between pineapple-based and spinach-based drinks all day. It’s getting a little tiresome, but at least it’s a new taste each time.

6:20p It’s finally time to go home. I’ve only made it a quarter in to my blueberry juice, so I drink it as quickly as I can as I walk out of my building.

6:30p My walk home involves passing many restaurants. They all smell delicious. Have I always had supersonic smelling powers like this?

6:40p Ow. Ow. OWW. Something weird is happening to my belly. I’m feeling sharp pains in my abdomen when I walk, like a stich in my side, but lower? I halfheartedly convince myself this has absolutely nothing to do with the change in diet today and hope others can’t tell that I’m sort of limping.

6:50p I make it home and once I stop walking my usual breakneck pace, the stitch in my abdomen mostly lets up. Time to rinse all those travel mugs I was carrying around all day. I was really bad about finishing the thick sludge at the bottom of each mug, and trying to wash that down the drain requires the garbage disposal. I am trying very hard not to turn that into a metaphor for my guts right now.

7:00p Since I’m not cooking dinner for Mr. P these evenings (I made sure our fridge was stocked with leftovers instead), he comes into the kitchen to re-heat some spaghetti. When he opens the pot, the scent hits me HARD. I’m getting kind of tired of eating plants.

7:05p I sit down to “dinner” with Mr. P (he eats, I sort through our mail). I figure if I never sit down at the table, I won’t feel like I ate dinner. Considering that I’m not hungry and my stomach’s not growling, this whole ordeal is likely to be mostly a mental game.

7:30p Time to chop up fruits for tomorrow! Already my brain is starting to get bored with this. Thinking about food constantly (just by keeping this journal) is so tedious! And now I have to spend more time chopping up plants? Ugh.

8:20p I finish chopping up my fruits and veggies. Do you see how long that took? An hour. An hour spent cleaning supplies and chopping fruits and sorting it into bags! In addition to the hour I spent actually turning the chopped-up fruit into juices this morning! Two solid hours of juice-making, people. I mean, I guess if I’m not spending that time enjoying a meal, I have free time?

8:22p Time to make the last “juice” of the day, the banana-cashew milk. I retrieve the cashews that have been soaking all day long. Like everything else today, they’re kinda grossing me out.

8:27p Still, the first sip is promising – mmm, spices, FINALLY! But it’s not cold enough. Into the freezer it goes!

8:50p My cashew milk is half frozen now that I have retrieved it from the freezer. Meanwhile, I’m wrapped up in a blanket from how cold I am. Doesn’t matter. If there is one thing I have learned today, it is that warm juice is gross. If there is a second, it’s that warm juice is even grosser when you haven’t eaten.

9:05p DONE! You know, that cashew milk was a really nice break from all the other plants I drank today. It has me dreading tomorrow a little less!

9:10p Considering how I spent most of my day more nauseated than hungry (is that weird? That seems weird) I decide to revisit my calorie count for the day. I double-checked that I’d get enough calories from this diet before I started, and indeed – I’m getting more than usual, even. From plants!

Here’s the total amount of foods throughout the day in my modified plan and my rough estimate of calories (I used the My Fitness Pal app to look up calorie counts):

6 cups of spinach = 50 calories
1 kiwi = 50 calories
4 bananas = 400 calories
8 apples = 400 calories
1/3 cucumber = 15 calories
2/3 pineapple = 300 calories
1/2 c. frozen strawberries = 25 calories
1/3 c. frozen blueberries = 35 calories
1 c. cashews = 640 calories

Total = 1915 calories

1915 is a lot, many more than I need for the day – I normally shoot for 1500. True, the bulk comes from the healthy-fat cashews; subtract the cashews and it’s only 1275, which is too few for me. Still, that 1915 calories I had yesterday would have been a “splurge” day with normal food. Even the couple hundred calories that I burn walking to work can’t make up for those extra calories.

I always heard that people learn to be full with just juice when on a juice cleanse, but I think I’m full because my calorie count is so much higher than usual. Hmmm. Tomorrow I’ll make some adjustments to see if I can do a better job DIYing this juice cleanse!

9:37p Before I sign off, here’s a summary of what I learned today:

1) Making juices takes an excessively long time.
2) Warm juice is super gross.
3) Drinking only juice makes you more nauseous than hungry.
4) Constantly sipping on juice throughout the day is more of a challenge than you might expect.
5) Careful with exercising/walking and beware of side stitches!
6) And most importantly: you should really make sure your blender works before DIYing a juice cleanse.


Meg said...

well done on giving juicing a go - i havent tried a cleanse but i have tried some of the recipes from this website (www.rebootwithjoe.com) and found them delicious. i was wondering, did you consider using an actual juicer instead of the blender? you might have enjoyed the flavour of the juice more if it was juice, not mush? i know juicers can be expensive, i couldnt afford one but i "borrowed" my mum's 15yr old juicer that miraculously still works great.