09 April 2014

DIY juice cleanse diary, day 2

7:30a Rise and shine! After a few hits on the snooze button, that is. Yes, I am getting up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning. I gots to go! But also, I conked out last night at 10PM. Turns out drinking a ridiculous number of calories can conk a girl out.

7:40a Coffee. I add milk, no creamer just like yesterday. I consider for a moment that maybe non-dairy creamer would have been a wise decision for this project, because the little bit of dairy I am having seems to be causing a tiny bit of bloat. One of the reasons I wanted to try this was that I felt bloated all the time – perhaps dairy is part of the problem? Considering it’s the only thing in my body that’s not plants (hey, even the coffee is plants!)... I’m giving milk the side-eye.

8:15a I’m just about ready to head to work. Time for the first juice of the day! Last night when I was chopping and bagging my fruits, I put about half as much spinach in each compared to the day before. That way, maybe the juice would be a JUICE and not a thick fruity mush that I’d have to eat with a spoon. I reasoned that spinach only adds bulk, not calories, and since I felt full all day yesterday I could cut down on the spinach.


8:20a SUCCESS. I can totally drink this with a straw! Awesome! Also, I’m discovering I like kiwis a lot. I need more kiwis in my diet.

8:22a I am super surprised by how much I am enjoying this drink. Yesterday evening I was dreading the idea of another day of mushed-up plants. I suppose I hit the reset button overnight while sleeping.

8:25a Man, making only one juice at a time means I can get out of the house a lot faster! This is way easier. I highly recommend weekend DIY juice cleansing!

8:45a Walking into work from the lot where I can park on weekends. Drinking a cold juice in sub-freezing temps is not ideal. But the juice is tasty, at least.


Still. Brrrrr.

9:00a Here at work, I’m wondering about the supposed energy boost juice-cleansers experience. My belly feels somewhat less distended than when I started, but otherwise I feel about the same – a little tired but not unbearably so. When do I get that amazing, promised burst of energy? I could use it right about now.

10:40a I’m almost done with this first shift at work today, and I can’t wait to get back home. I’m actually starting to get hungry and I want my next juice – which is honestly surprising, that I want my next juice and not, say, a bacon cheeseburger.

10:45a On the way out of work, I notice there’s still lots of leftover cake from yesterday. I decide to cut a slice for Mr. P. In the process, I get icing all over my finger. I go to lick them, but then remember that I didn’t want extra sugar and carbs. I wipe my fingers on a paper towel instead. This seems like it should be some momentous act of willpower and sacrifice, but even cake doesn’t seem like it would taste that good. I wonder, have I killed my appetite forever?

10:47a In the elevator leaving my building, I absent-mindedly notice cake under my fingernails. With no paper towel around, I lick them anyway. It tastes... like cake. Not the MOST AMAZING THING EVER. Just sweet and chocolate, without any connotation attached to those adjectives.

10:50a I start to fear for the permanent absence of my appetite, or at least my appreciation for things that are delicious. Hmmm. I meant to gain control over food and my appetite with this juice diet, but apparently I’m controlling it by having no emotional relationship with food anymore, good OR bad. This is weird.

11:00a Pineapple juice.


11:05a Oh GAG. Today the cucumber taste is overwhelmingly unappealing. I don’t really like cucumber, but was willing to try it. Yesterday it tasted fresh and tropical in my pineapple drink. Today it’s blah. I take big gulps while distracting myself cleaning our house, just to get it down.

12:30p It’s almost time for me to head back to work, so I quickly make my strawberry spinach juice. It’s a good thing I intersperse the pineapple drinks in with the berry drinks. Mixing it up is refreshing and makes me hate whatever juice I just drank in favor of whatever’s currently in my hand. Yay?

1:00p Back at work. I sip my juice while chatting with my boss. I give her immense credit for not asking what exactly it is I’m drinking and why it looks like the sludge you’d find in a blocked shower drain.


1:10p The cleanse part of juice cleansing begins. Oy. Is it TMI that I am fascinated by how similar the end product is to how it started out?

3:30p Finished with the second part of this Saturday work, I’m heading back home. It’s good that I’m spacing these juices out in a way that the pineapple juice comes after a long gap of no juice. I really don’t look forward to it at all.

3:40p That’s it. I am done with this cucumber. DONE. I pick out the chunks of cucumber I put in the baggie and throw them in the trash. Then to the pineapple and apple, I add a dash of vanilla extract. Do I need to consider this breaking my juice cleanse? Hmm. Vanilla is a plant, kinda, right?

3:45p I don’t care. This pineapple drink is tolerable again. I settle in to work on a little homemaking craft while sipping on my juice.

5:30p Still working on my craft. I comment to Mr. P that I should make my next juice, the blueberry one. He agrees.

5:45p I say again I should make a juice. Mr. P agrees, again.

6:00p Mr. P asks if I’m ever going to make my next juice. Ughhhhhh.

6:15p Ok fine, FINE. I’ll make it now. Meanwhile, he goes to heat up leftover tacos. On one hand, they smell INCREDIBLE. But when I think about actually eating them, my tummy is totally unimpressed. “Cheese? Sour cream?” I try to taunt my tummy. It replies with “Meh.” Again, THIS IS WEIRD.

6:30p Mr. P and I sit down for dinner, him with his tacos, me with my blueberry spinach juice. I feel like I’m meant to feel bad for myself, kinda? Instead all this food seems gross. Juice, tacos. It’s all gross.


This is totally absolutely NOT how I expected to feel, and it’s the most surprising part of this experience. I thought I’d be craving salt and sugar, that I’d be tempted to sneak a bite of his dinner, that I’d be dreaming about all the foods I’d eat on Monday. I really thought I’d be more hungry. But all this juice has been a total appetite-killer. Instead I just feel completely unexcited about any food at all.

Is this what a juice cleanse is supposed to do? I don’t feel a burst of energy, I don’t feel like a health goddess. I just feel annoyed with the whole concept of having to eat for survival. I think maybe I am juice cleansing all wrong, somehow.

The only really positive effect I’ve noticed is that I don’t have a headache from missing my afternoon diet coke, yesterday or today, or from the diet change at all. That is very surprising. I’m falling asleep much better at night – but way sooner than I mean to, so that’s not especially great. Still, I didn’t feel sluggish like I normally do when I don’t have a soda with lunch. I’ll chalk that up to a juice cleanse win, I suppose – but considering “reduce caffeine intake” was totally not a goal, it’s sort of a moot victory.

7:30p It’s time to start chopping up fruits for the last day of juicing. Can I tell you how delighted I am not to have to do this again tomorrow night? I’m already cheering for the “lasts”: this is the last time I’ll have to dice up eight freaking apples and douse them in lemon juice!


7:50p I make the executive decision to drink less juice tomorrow, especially less pineapple juice. As in, one less pineapple juice, meaning I throw out about half the remaining pineapple. I also throw the remaining cucumber away. How could I possibly think that was refreshing on day 1? GOOD RIDDANCE. I’ll run the calorie counts later, but for now, suffice to say I’ll be cutting back further.

8:30p All my fruits all chopped and in the fridge. Whew!


Now it’s time to make the cashew drink. Today I only soaked 3/4 cup of cashews in one cup of water, since it was so thick and rich last night. Tonight’s cashew milk is noticeably thinner and more enjoyable. It helps that I put the cashews in the fridge earlier when making the blueberry juice earlier, so it’s not disgusting and warm!

8:50p I finish my cashew milk and go to wash the glass and put on my pajamas. While I’m walking around, I almost feel as though I’m staggering. My belly is SO FULL. I can even see how ridiculously stick-outy it is in the mirror as I change into my PJs! Dude. This is not what I’d intended at all! When I looked at the sheer volume of fruit (half a pineapple, four bananas, eight apples, lots of spinach and berries and kiwi per day) that was expected to go into my belly before this “cleanse”, I was nervous. And I was right to be concerned. I’m still bloated, but I’m bloated on fruit.

Let’s do the math. Yesterday I had a ridiculous 1915 calories, which is what my DIY juice cleanse “inspiration” menu suggested. Since that’s way more calories than I normally eat, today I reduced the spinach, pineapple, cucumber, and cashews:

3 cups of spinach = 25 calories
1 kiwi = 50 calories
4 bananas = 400 calories
8 apples = 400 calories
2/3 pineapple = 300 calories
1/2 c. frozen strawberries = 25 calories
1/3 c. frozen blueberries = 35 calories
3/4 c. cashews = 480 calories

Total = 1715 calories

That’s more on par, but I think I need to reduce it a bit further tomorrow so I can stop walking around feeling like I’m going to vomit. Here’s tomorrow’s plan, and the plan I’d use if I continued past three days:

3 cups of spinach = 25 calories
1 kiwi = 50 calories
4 bananas = 400 calories
8 apples = 400 calories
1/3 pineapple = 150 calories
1/2 c. frozen strawberries = 25 calories
1/3 c. frozen blueberries = 35 calories
1/2 c. cashews = 320 calories

Total = 1405 calories

There we go. That’s almost on par with what I’d eat every day anyway. I knew going into this that the original plan was more calories than I’d normally eat, but I thought I might need to compensate for the shift in nutrition types – the cashews are the only protein source, so they’re important even though they’re a big caloric load. But I’m fairly sure what’s making me feel so gross and awful is the increase in calories!

9:15p So it’s decided. Tomorrow will be juicing, SUPER-LITE. With just one day to go, fingers crossed that it’ll finally be what I’d hoped!

1 comments:

Mary Beth said...

I love this juice cleanse review. I've been thinking about trying one, but can't stomach the price tag of the ones you buy online. I may have to try this homemade kind soon. I'm anxious to hear about Day #3 and your final thoughts ...